Siri, How I Loathe Thee

I’ve developed a deeply passionate, borderline irrational hatred for Siri.

Her cloying voice. That smug beep signaling when it’s her turn to talk. The way her chirps scrape at the eardrum. I loathe them all. Actually, my contempt extends to anyone relying on Siri. For anything.

I should clarify something. Every feeling expressed here (all of them bad and, frankly, unattractive…I do have a measure of self awareness) stem from watching a single commercial that’s been playing ad nauseum for what seems like years. Ok, maybe weeks, whatever. Yes, I watch too much TV. Yes, I blame husband (self-awareness, after all, has its limits).

Back to that commercial and people who, in my honest estimation, should not be given the technological crutch that is Siri. Take those fools who are on some sort of trip and stop what I can only assume is mid-way through to ask Siri for directions. Did you honestly pack your bags, put on your winter coats, leave your house in the dead of night and then—only then—think to ask for directions? Oh yeah, outside? From a phone? Guess what? You deserve to get lost.

Then there’s the woman who leisurely picks up her phone to ask in a honey-tinged voice with a passing bit of curiosity what the weather is like. Because turning her head to glance out the nearby window is entirely too tasking. (Yes, it’s sunny in the shot—don’t think I haven’t triangulated and analyzed every aspect of my ire.)

Someone else asks Siri what the day looks like—using more energy than would be required to tap the screen with a finger and look at the calendar. Way to find a shortcut, for a gentle touch.

Which finally, and, I know, most mercifully, brings me to the teen who fancies himself a “Rock God.” At this point in the commercial, I’m hurtling so many expletives at the television, it’s an embarrassing commentary of where I am tolerance-wise at this stage in my life. My therapist has recommended I slowly back away from this paragraph…slowly…before I say anything I regret…..HOW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOUT I CALL YOU $%&*@! DOUCHE???!!! Too late.

So, what I’ve laid bare here is unsightly, yes. Alarming? Most definitely. Something to be pitied? Without a doubt. But putting me and my angry obsessions aside for a moment, I truly think there is a problem when we as a society start relying on demon seeds like Siri. Before you know it, we’re going to be like those people in the movie Wall-E who float around on chairs all day, sipping slushies from straws and relying on technology to do everything for us.

Do you know what I’d like to see? Siri start talking back to people, really start telling it like it is. Someone asks her what the weather is, her response is: “Look out the muther$%^&*# window.” Ask her what time it is: “Next time, wear a %&*# watch.”

If nothing else, it’ll make for better commercials to watch this weekend while I’m fully reclined sipping my slushie.